Friday, July 4, 2008

July 4th!

You know the thing that I really like about the 4th of July is that it's a day when even non-rednecks get a chance to get loaded and handle explosives. Isn't that what America's all about? Booze and fire. I wonder what happens on the 4th of July if your drunken aim ends up sending a bottle-rocket into your waving flag. That would be an interesting charge. "He's charged with inadvertant flag burning...and public drunkenness." Maybe that's like getting a non-intentional face masking penalty. If you're out watching fireworks, just make sure that you're near a port-o-potty. This would be a good night to get caught pissing in public. That'll get you arrested on a sexual offender charge. Wouldn't it suck to have to report your whereabouts for the rest of your life just because you had a full bladder? It's funny to a point, but here in this great land of freedom there are plenty of people with sex-offender status because they couldn't hold their piss or their baby needed fed at the wrong time. You know that the only reason we have bodies is to offend others with our sexuality. I mean, really, when was the last time you had sexual thoughts about a wino taking a piss on the sidewalk? I'm quite a perv, but breast-feeding (unless I'm involved) doesn't turn me on. That's not to say that I wouldn't try to catch a glimpse of nipple if possible, but that's also true of moms wearing halter-tops while giving their carriage-borne children ice cream cones. (I know that's extremely random, but it happens to be the way I saw my first public peep-nipple. I was about ten or eleven and grabbing a snack at an amusement park, and obviously it caused me to be voyeur for the rest of my life. Someone should have arrested that woman! I was actually thinking of handcuffing her right there.)

Anyway, this is supposed to be about the 4th of July not prepubescent nipple gazing. Though you must admit that nipple gazing is more exciting (and generally less expensive) than fireworks. Speaking for those of us carrying our sex organs on the outside of our bodies, if the choice was between watching the sky for the next firework to go off and watching the girl standing next to us as her breast works it way out of her ill-fitted top...

So, I found myself thinking about how those who signed the Declaration of Independence would view our modern Independence Day celebrations. You know many of the men who signed that decree ended up dead because of it. Kings don't generally have much tolerance for such things. Neither do loyalists. So, how do you suppose Thomas Paine would feel about being killed as a traitor so that 200 years later it could be celebrated by a guy with two names who's had five too many and is now working on his ninth finger? Man, I've had too much to drink to do that kind of math. I may be working on five too many, but I've got all ten fingers left (although I admittedly don't have any fireworks handy - get it? handy - with which to start subtracting digits.) I can't bring myself to buy fireworks. Every time I see a good explosion I'm thinking, "Damn, I couldn't have burned twenty bucks that fast!"

If you're reading this, I hope you had a great holiday. If you happen to go by two names (Jim Bob, Bobby Joe, etc...), well, stop using one of them and maybe you won't be so offended the next time. Catch you on the next post.

2 comments:

The Dalai Mama said...

That was one of the funniest posts I've ever read! All the nipple-gazing. Wow. I nursed my kids anywhere and everywhere. Wonder if anyone ever tried to catch a glimpse? :)

The Heretic said...

You can bet on it! Nipple instinct in the male of the species is very difficult to eradicate through socialization.